Heidi Fleiss, Katia Ivanova and Lady Sovereign first up for eviction – so we’d better see how all the housemates are doing, right? Hooray for everything…
Katia & Basshunter – We’ll start with these two, and we’ll lump them in together because they’re providing the bulk of Celebrity Big Brother’s narrative drive this year with their tedious pretend romance. You might be forgiven for skipping the rest of this paragraph because history has imprinted the next few steps into your mind several times over – Katia and Basshunter will leave the Celebrity Big Brother house, do a couple of magazine spreads together, try to get a reality TV show, fail and then split up when everyone loses interest – but wait. There’s a problem. What do we call Katia and Basshunter? We can’t call them Kasshunter, because that makes them sound like a detective from a shit book, and we can’t call them Batia because that sounds like ‘Batter ya’ which sounds a little insensitive coming so soon after Ronnie Wood was arrested on suspicion of attacking Katia in the street. Oh bollocks to it. Batia it is.
Nicola T – Unless we’re wrong, Nicola T seems to be using Celebrity Big Brother to show that she’s just an ordinary everywoman. And she is, too – Nicola T is just like you. You know, like the way that you spent a good portion of your life posing topless in newspapers before flitting between footballers and becoming mired in debt as your fame started to fall away. You’re basically identical. Aside from this, Nicola seems to be playing the Lucy Pinder card in the Celebrity Big Brother house – she’s an unstoppable dullard, but at least she’s got boobs.
Alex Reid – OK, admit it – who here was surprised when they realised that Alex Reid could speak in full sentences? We know we were. After reading everything about him – from his cagefighting to his stint on Hollyoaks to his cross-dressing to his dalliance with Jordan – we’d become convinced that he’d literally be so braindead that he’d only be able to communicate with a series of rudimentary grunts and gestures. But, no, Celebrity Big Brother has proved once and for all that Alex Reid can speak in full sentences. True, they’re all crap sentences and Alex Reid is still a monumental self-regarding twonk, but you have to take what you can get.
Dane Bowers - This probably says more about the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates than it does about him, but Dane Bowers has emerged as the everyman of the series. You know – the decent, funny, self-deprecating one who’ll keep his head down and end up coming second. And this is Dane Bowers we’re talking about here. The one who filmed himself having it off with Jordan. The one who formed an under-achieving all-star boyband with the crap one from 911, the crap one from Steps, the crap one from New Kids On The Block and Bradley from S Club 7. The one who once tried to make a sitcom about himself called Bow To The Bowers. He’s the everyman? Him? We’re not sure what our point is here, but it’s probably something like ‘We hate everything’. That tends to be case quite often, doesn’t it?
Heidi Fleiss - Now, Heidi Fleiss might be a decent, friendly woman. Then again, she might not be. We just don’t know, because every time we see her on Celebrity Big Brother we’re too busy trying to work out what she looks like to listen to anything she says. Does she look like a picture of Pete Burns that’s been drawn on a pensioner’s scrotum? Does she look like a commemorative plastic plate of David Gest’s face that’s been left on a car dashboard in the middle of the desert for a month? Does she look like the ghost of Steven Tyler? We just don’t know and, frankly, we could use a bit of help here.
Stephen Baldwin – We’ve decided that it’s time to dig up Heath Ledger’s body and snatch that Oscar out of his hands. He didn’t deserve to win for his portrayal of The Joker – from watching Celebrity Big Brother it’s becoming increasingly clear that he just did a slightly toned-down impression of Stephen Baldwin and nothing more in The Dark Knight. It’s all there – the disquieting sing-song voice, the inability to speak without lolling his head around like an unrestrained maniac, the detached half-smile. Obviously Heath didn’t copy Stephen Baldwin completely – if he’d included all of Baldwin’s Jesus stuff then his performance would have been too terrifying for audiences to stomach at all.
Sisqo – So it turns out that Sisqo’s not quite as much of a billowing turdbucket as we thought he was, then. He’s actually quite sweet, as proved by his turn in the Celebrity Big Brother Hunk-Off where – forgetting that he’s basically a midget primarily famous for singing a song about some knickers – he fretted endlessly how an appearance in a mankini would affect his reputation “in the hood”. That said, Sisqo should really learn that his name needs a letter U in it. And until he does that, we’re afraid we can’t fully support him.
Lady Sovereign - Is Lady Sovereign going to win Celebrity Big Brother, then? At the moment, it sort of seems like she should. Unlike most of the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates – or at least the ones we’ve heard of – Lady Sovereign doesn’t appear to be an even more grotesque caricature of her public image. Quite the opposite, in fact. She’s slightly better spoken than she makes out, and not so much of a gurning chav, plus she actually seems like she thinks about things before doing them. Plus she did a song with The Ordinary Boys which… no, actually, you’re right. Lady Sovereign shouldn’t win Celebrity Big Brother at all, should she?
Stephanie Beacham - This is just a hunch, but we feel safe in predicting that Stephanie Beacham will easily come of Celebrity Big Brother as the nation’s favourite aristocratic gay man. He’s hilarious, sitting at the back of the house making waspy comments about everyone in his silly jewellery and funny wig and endless anecdotes about Joan Collins. We don’t know where he gets his material from, but this Stephanie Beacham guy is a hoot!
Vinnie Jones – It’s weird that the overriding response to Vinnie Jones entering the Celebrity Big Brother house was “Vinnie Jones? But he’s really famous!” Because he isn’t, you know. He really isn’t. He’s played a few almost-mute walnut-headed thugs in a few barely-watched films and he once grabbed Paul Gascoigne’s testicles. That’s it. Look at his IMDb page. His last films were a violent DMX movie that nobody has seen and something called Legend Of The Bog. He’s hardly Johnny Depp, is he? Still, he seems like a nice enough chap and, yes, we’re only writing that to stop him from furiously biting our nose off when he gets out of the Celebrity Big Brother house.
Ivana Trump – And, hey, look, Ivana Trump’s the newest member of the Celebrity Big Brother family. And, although it might be too early to say, she actually seems quite lovely. Still, God knows what she’s doing on the show, though – she’s already successful, famous and so rich she could buy the Celebrity Big Brother house and tear it down. The last thing she needs to do is to go on a barely-watched reality TV show to listen to the crappest Baldwin brother yap on about Jesus like a bible-fixated toddler all the time. So why is she doing it? We don’t know. Maybe she’s just an idiot. Ever think of that, huh?
